So tmorrow I will not be me. I will be Hayward the Bastard, healer to people who fight far better than him.
Gods I need this.
It's funny how I use my LARP character to reset my brain. Hayward was my place to go to cry for years, to the point where everyone knew Hayward was going to cry at one point or another during a game. What they do not know is that sometimes I need Hayward to cry for me. LARP is always the safe environment to deal with situations where I cannot deal with them in real life.
Nido, who was the 1920's Lovecraftian Coward, did this for me also. I had an insane exterior because I was so scared of many things, first of all my alcoholic father. Man, when I was a teenager I feared that guy. I would watch the clock when he was supposed to get home from work, because you knew if he was late then he was out drinking after work. The later he got the more fear would be built up inside, because you knew the drunker he was.
I stood up to him once, yelling across a kitchen table at him that he was a drunk and abusive and all of that. The table between us disappeared and I briefly considered throwing myself through the window behind me to get the hell out of there.
That was many, many years ago. I don't know if I ever truly processed the situation and didn't know back then what sort of help I could have gotten.
Playing Hayward gives me strength, though, and I need that right now. Hayward is slowly transforming into what I want to become. Hayward is slowly losing the crying aspect of the character and leading more towards a heroic figure. I need to tap into that for my own life.
I need Hayward.
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